THE WIG BUG EFFECT

   There’s a story of a pebble being dropped into a placid pool, the ripples becoming a tidal wave a world away. Another version has the gently flapping wings of a butterfly in China causing a tornado in Arkansas. If Trump were an insect he’d be a wig bug, whose buzzing ass-hairs could wreak havoc across a globe that he sees in increasingly  contradictory terms. Sometimes it’s big and sometimes it’s small. 

    Trump can talk about foreign policy like we are still criss-crossing the seas in creaky sailing ships. His characterization of Turkey’s border war with Syria as being “7000 miles away,” and “none of our business,” makes you think you’re listening to a grumpy, demented uncle in a trailer, not the president of the U.S. Feeling his campaign promise to “bring our boys home” and “end endless wars,” fulfilled, the commander in chief declared victory by removing 28 troops from Syria. “They say it was 28 troops,” he reiterates “with not one casualty.” This amazing feat of rescue by our benevolent leader allowed Turkey to invade Syria. “Now they can fight it out between themselves.” exclaims the self-described “brilliant” strategist of “great and unmatched wisdom.” All verbatim from the wig bug. 

    At yesterday’s press briefing with the President of Italy there’s a passing mention of the 2000 troops that the president just sent to Saudi Arabia. “They are paying for it….and more.” Trump assures the assembled press. The Saudi kingdom is a preferred customer, and Trump fills orders for hired American guns like he’s working the front office at Blackwater. 

    This president is a wig bug; not a butterfly. His rigid duck-ass-hairs are constantly vibrating, whipping up storms across this very small, rather fragile, planet. How one insect can be allowed to do such damage is the fatal flaw in the founders’ vision of a republic consisting of three distinct branches of government, with subsequent checks and balances on power. The legislature and the judiciary are NOT co-equal to the executive branch. They have no real power, no troops to bring home. The executive branch has both the police (CIA, FBI, Border Patrol, NSA, etc.) and all branches of the military at it’s disposal. This is why ultimately, all power rests in the sweaty little hands of that crazy wig bug in the single wide. How do we sneak up on him and remove the AR-15 hidden in the closet?

    This is what I always feared if Trump were cornered with impeachment— the real prospect of global violence and chaos—as manipulated distraction from the ongoing political proceedings. I thought it would be North Korea, but Ukraine, Russia, Turkey and Syria also make perfect sense. Trump’s first National Security Advisor Gen. Michael Flynn (in office 24 days) was working for the Turks as a pro-Turkish government, unregistered agent and arrested before Melania even had a chance to unpack her dildo at the White House. I don’t think it’s a coincidence either that Jamal Khashoggi was chopped up and disposed of like rotten meat by the Saudis in Turkey. The connections were, and are, all there……implicit if not explicit. Putin is uncorking the Stoli and ordering up fresh hookers as we speak. Trump’s inbox is filling up with pee-tapes.

   On the one hand Trump sees the world as “his,” and very small, his bad lieutenants, Barr and Giuliani, jetting across the globe every week operating as his shadowy legion of doom; while on the other hand Trump makes foreign policy decisions assuming terrorists don’t know how to board, let alone hijack an airplane. 7000 MILES! How could these issues in the Middle East affect us? It’s a big world to a wig bug. Walls, and moats with “snakes and alligators” make way more sense to this little guy. Europe sucks. Russia is cool. Mexicans, Central Americans and Democrats are the real enemy— a threat closer to home This is simple insect logic, with simply “brilliant” results. Insect wisdom is unmatched. Instead of an AR-15 in the closet this bug has the nuclear codes. Is anybody keeping track of those? Again, small world. More contradictions. Maybe it’s time that the legislature and the judiciary had their own insect armies; put some some teeth in those subpoenas. No one insect should have so much power. In the meantime, keep him away from the closet; scurrying around on the golf course, and maybe we’ll survive his buzzing ass-hairs in Washington that can cause wars in the Middle East.