THE UNWED

     
There is an old Catskill folktale:

    Once upon a time there was a handsome and successful, young bachelor. He ran a very popular bungalow colony and was looking to expand and build a caretaker’s house. One day while crossing his property he discovered something he had never seen before. Tucked in the woods, covered with thick vines was a tiny bungalow…and the lights were on. “I wonder who lives there?” he thought, “And I wonder if they’ll sell it to me. It would be perfect!” The young bachelor was a shrewd businessman. Spotting a mezuzah on the door, instead of knocking, he went to the bakery to get something sweet as an introductory gift.

    Cake in hand he approached the house. He knocked gently. Nothing. Then he knocked louder. “Hellooooooo.” He heard scuttling and what sounded like furniture being moved about. “Hello, it’s your neighbor.” he tried again. “GO AWAY.” was the reply. “I have a cake for you….for Shabbos.” the bachelor persisted. Slowly from behind the curtain two faces emerged from the shadows, stacked like a totem. “Are you a Jew?” they asked in unison. The bachelor smiled and nodded. Eventually the brothers Nussbaum opened the door and invited the bachelor in.

    Before the bachelor stood two elderly men, dressed in pin striped pajamas, baseball hats on their heads (Yankees and Mets) and cotton balls stuffed in their ears. One was quiet and polite, the other loud and seemingly unhinged. The crazy brother (in the Yankees cap) did all the talking.

     “Are you married?” was the first thing out of his mouth. “No.” responded the bachelor. Thus began the saga of the attempts of the Brothers Nussbaum to find the handsome, young bachelor a Jewish wife. If the brothers could successfully marry off their Jewish bachelor neighbor to a pious young Jewish woman it would be seen as a great mitzvah; assuring them a front seat on that tour bus to heaven. If children followed, a sky box was assured. All the bachelor wanted to do was make an offer on their house. He had no interest in finding a wife or having kids. It was a sweet house.  He left his cell number.

    In the weeks that followed,  everyday one or the other Nussbaum brother would call the bachelor. “Hello. Who is this?” the Yankee fan would ask his neighbor. The bachelor would state his name. “Yeah, so?” was always the response. Then a list of Jewish singles mixers in Kingston, meet and greets in Williamsburg and links to Jdate Facebook pages would follow. The bachelor patiently listened to it all, knowing all real estate deals depend on cordial relationships. He did not want to alienate the brothers, willing to put up with almost any intrusion for a good deal on that house. Secretly he even considered going to one of the suggested speed dating sessions, fantasizing that he would meet the love of his life (for three years) and that the brothers would die and leave him (and his wife to be) the property, before the wedding could take place. Then, his fiancee (or caretaker if it didn’t work out) could live in the brothers’ house. And he’d live happily ever after……unwed. All folktales are fantasy.

   I don’t know what the deal is with getting married, but there’s quite an industry surrounding the custom. I’ve done it twice. I’m not proud of that. Heads up: it’s really easy to get married and really hard to get divorced. If you want to spend the money, on the front end of the process you have jewelers, caterers, dressmakers, tailors, butchers, bakers, photographers and invitation makers. You have magazines, reality TV shows and and entire Judaeo/Christian culture telling you It’s the most important day of your life. And the one thing that everything swirls around is the WEDDING LOCATION. For God’s knows what reason, the Catskills has become a very popular wedding location. On the back end of getting married you have judges and lawyers. Failure at marriage is literally punishable by law. Nobody’s providing a joyous location for that.

    The CLGM sign says: Baptisms, Weddings and Funerals. I’m thinking of stopping this practice by offering an Unwedding. It would be cheap, fun, open to all sexes, species and alien life forms and definitely NOT the most important day of your life. Book now.